i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
