I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
someone owes me an orgasm
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize