Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
