Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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