You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
