I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
