the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Less talking, more tequila
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
