so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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