I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
