last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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