there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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