The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
