how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Vodka?
Forever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
