I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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