In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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