Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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