I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
