and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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