I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
