Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
