Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
