I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
