haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
