Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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