New invention idea: vibrating tampons
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
