I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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