Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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