So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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