you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
