I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
