I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
