I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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