I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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