I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
