remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
