I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
