He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
