I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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