I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
