Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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