dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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