last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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