I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You have to summon your inner elephant
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
