Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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