I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
