dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
