I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
