Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
nutella sex= disaster
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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