If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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