today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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