Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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