I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
my poor anus
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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