If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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