I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize