i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
