And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
