Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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