My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
