the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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