Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
