Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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