I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
