Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
